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theEverTalkingBrain
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Name: Jonathan
Location: Lubbock, Texas, United States
Birthday: 7/5/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Life, Love, Music, People that are not stupid(very rare), and above all...Heleum
Expertise: Living, breathing, drinking, blinking, sleeping, eating, seeing, walking, listening, bullshiting, making people laugh(ask them), breaking things, hallucinating, singing, I am a master-baiter(worms, menoes(?), and corn) and I can do The Frug.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Yahoo:  penguinmonkey@sbcglobal.net
Member Since:
10/8/2005
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| First of all i can't believe this is still here. Second WOW how xanga has changed. What is this myspace? Third why would spell check on xanga .com show xanga as a misspelled word?
Can't sleep again. Second night in a row. The other one gave me weird dreams I don't wish to talk about. Not what I'm here for.
Now what has changed me into what I don't like of me today? That is the question I am wrestling with today.
Fact: I went off to the DLI(Defense Language Institute) to do something with my life and faced probably the first true challenge in my life. Before that I had never failed at anything I tried at. I was overwhelmed with the classes. Chinese was to much for me. I couldn't pass. For the first time in my life I had become a FAILURE. Well not yet. It wasn't over yet but I knew it would be. I think I stoped trying once my fate became clear to me. Sometimes I tell myself that if I was better prepared or tried harder I could have made it but I don't think so.
Now I'm in a country I don't like, doing a job I don't like, with people I don't like and the worst thing of all is I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I always get this anxiety before going to work because I know it will just frustrate and anoy me all day. By the time I get there I just shutdown and run on autopilot. I'm not mentaly there so I can't think. That doesn't make anything better.
Damn me and my refusal to take out large amounts of student loans. If I would have I would have a degree by now and be able to choose what i want to do. If I don't like what I am doing I have the freedom to do another job. It's America unless of course you work for America. Now all of a sudden the freedom you are fighting for is not your own but everyone elses. Twenty years and retire at age 41? Not bad. Now I know why. Your life can't start until you retire. And from how it seem, by that point there is nothing left but an empty shell tha wishes it had the last twenty years of it's life back. Sure I'm doing a service for my country but it is a service that my country doesn't want.
Free colege classes. Yay! But wait. When do you have time for them? Your ass is theirs 24/7. "We 'try' to work with you," bull shit. My wife needs to get blood work done and all day they tell me to go later and when later comes they tell me that I should have done it earlier. Life is not convinent for them. Especial if I want to use it to be better than them.
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| I've been dreaming a lot recently. It may have to do with all the movies I have been watching, or the fact that I don't want to be where I'm at, doing what I'm doing. My dreams are all I have. I my dreams I can do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about pissing someone off or saying the right thing at the right time. I can just be me. I don't have to be someone else. One thing I used to pride my self in was the fact that I had no regrets. That was only because I was young and hadn't made any permenant decisions. I knew I couldn't stay young forever and I believe I enjoyed it while it lasted. I guess what I am trying to say is that this world sucks. No! That's not it. I don't know. I need to...do something. At this point, nobody really understands me. At least a few think they do but that is only because they don't know what goes on in my head, and no I will not tell you. That would be stupid on my part. If that drives you crazy or whatever that is only your fault for wanting to know. I don't know what is eating me. All I know is that I am hypersensitive to it. I will go eat now because it can get expensive not eating when you are "suposed to". | | |
| You said that you did but you didn't understand. Nine days left. | | |
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